Destiny. What is it and how do you change your destiny by engaging in therapy?
That’s what I’m answering in this blog post.
So check it out.
Destiny and fate are something you might talk about often with friends and family.
But the challenge with believing in destiny is it assumes how your life is ‘meant’ to turn out and who you are ‘meant’ to be, is already decided and set in stone.
As it ensures you stay in a victim mentality rather than realizing you are the creator of your own life.
Therefore, also the creator of your own destiny.
You always have been.
Table of Contents
A bit about Destiny
What is destiny?
Before we move any further, let’s take a step back and look at what exactly believing in ‘destiny’ actually means for us, shall we?
I love a good formal definition so here’s one I’ve taken from the Merriam-Webster dictionary:
‘a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency’
This definition isn’t far from what I’ve said in my introduction but can you see how this definition disempowers you?
As it more or less indicates, you have no control over events taking place in your life, as they are “predetermined” (i.e. already decided for you).
And are subject to a “powerful, irresistible force” beyond your control.
Why the notion of destiny was formed?
This definition of Destiny was previously formed to keep people in their place in society.
So they didn’t desert their families, communities and tribes as it was believed these would keep them safe from harm.
Hence, why many people still prescribe to this definition of destiny.
However, although this belief was relevant to people at that time, it’s no longer relevant to us in the 21st century.
As technology, including the internet and smartphones, has ensured we’re never disconnected from one another.
(Although this is debatable).
So there are now more options available to us, that frankly, we know what to do with.
As a result, I believe it’s time we redefined what ‘Destiny’ means and brought it up to speed with the 21st century.
So what I’ll be showing you next.
Redefining ‘Destiny’ and what it means to change your destiny
Since destiny is no longer to be viewed as ‘a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)…
I believe destiny needs to be redefined as…
‘the decisions and actions you decide to take in each and every moment of every day, which add up to the results you eventually create in your life’.
Thus, how engaging in therapy allows you to change your destiny and the course of your life.
Change your destiny
What we cannot and can control
Of course, there are always going to be things in our lives, which we cannot control.
However, one thing we absolutely can control and gain mastery over is ourselves (i.e. our minds and bodies).
Which includes knowing what you’re believing, thinking, feeling and why.
As well as, knowing where each of these beliefs, thoughts and feelings are located within your body.
And feeling them fully and completely (as they are) without wanting to change them or to be any different to how they are.
As a result, enabling you to take control of your emotions and how you react towards the events and people you cannot control.
Understanding, that what you think and how you feel, has absolutely nothing to do with other people.
But all to do with you and what you’re believing.
Therefore, can be changed with support, awareness and intention.
Which, btw, is the only way you will avoid your destiny becoming a pre-determined course of events outside your control.
Since if you continue to subscribe to this definition of destiny it will become true (a.k.a a self-fulfilling prophecy), as it’s what you believe.
But if you subscribe to the second definition…
i.e. your destiny is determined by the decisions and actions you decide to make and take in each and every moment
…then that instead will become the truth of your reality.
Related: The truth about what happens in therapy
What you need to do to change your destiny?
1) Family, Love (and other) Relationships VS Work
It’s interesting the number of people who prioritise their work over their love lives, family lives and other relationships.
Usually, because it’s easier to focus on work than it is to focus on relationships.
As there appears to be a ‘secret formula‘ to relationships, which, not many people are aware of, in comparison to, work.
Yet they secretly wish….
- they were in a relationship; or
- they didn’t have a certain relationship in their lives; or
- a certain relationship was different to how it is.
And I am no exception to this, as I have always found this easier to do too.
2) Apply what you know about ‘work’ (to your relationships)
If you too resonate with the above, what you need to do instead is…
Apply what you know about work and what it takes to succeed, towards all of your relationships.
That is, your family relationships, first and foremost, and then all other relationships in your life, following them.
Therefore, throwing the traditional view of destiny out of the window not only when it comes to work and success…
But also when wanting to achieve and experience happy, healthy, meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
For example, the majority of people know, in order to be successful, one must put in the work (a.k.a work hard) and be consistent in their actions.
Otherwise, they have no hope of achieving the kind of success they desire.
Yet for some reason when it comes to our relationships…
All of which btw, forms a huge chunk of our entire lives…
We give up and say ‘it wasn’t meant to be’.
Relinquishing our power to our thoughts and dissatisfactions with our relationships.
Instead of taking action and trying to find out exactly what we’re doing wrong in our relationships and how we can put them right.
So that we can experience more meaningful, fulfilling and happy relationships and connections in our lives.
Because it absolutely is possible for everybody in the world to experience this.
But what we neglect to understand or realise is…
We must take responsibility to work on ourselves.
Not because there is anything wrong with us but because we know we’re capable of giving more and no-one else will do it for us.
Whilst at the same time, also recognising…
Working on ourselves (to get our desired outcome in all our relationships) requires just as much (if not more) work and dedication than the amount of work we put into our working lives.
Since they have a direct impact on our working lives and many other areas of our lives, including but not limited to, our relationship with money.
How engaging with therapy will change your Destiny?
It is, therefore, the above what I believe a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist, in particular, gives you.
The opportunity to work on your family, love life and other relationships to influence all other areas of your life.
As I also discuss in my post How Psychotherapy can help you to change your life for the better.
And therefore, the opportunity to change your destiny and make life better.
So it’s not a case of ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, but rather, I put in the work I needed to, to be able to get the relationships I wanted.
Therefore, not only are you successful in your working life but in all the other areas of your life too.
And so, are provided with all-round fulfilment.
1) Taking action always always trumps thinking
Clarity comes from engagement not thought
~ Marie Forleo
Along with many people, I love, love, love Marie Forleo (creator of MarieTV and author of Everything is Figureoutable).
So, it is with no exception, I also love her quote ‘clarity comes from engagement, not thought’ too.
As I feel, it perfectly represents what you need to do to change your destiny.
Particularly, around your relationships, which as I’ve said, will have a direct knock effect on all other areas in your life.
And that is, to proactively take action to change your destiny.
Instead of (as I mention above) relinquishing your power to your thoughts and dissatisfactions with your relationships.
Through moaning (and complaining) about them to other people.
And putting it down to ‘it wasn’t meant to be’.
Specifically, (and as the title suggests) by engaging with therapy.
And being intentional, with all the relationships in your life, by seeking to see them from a different angle to how you currently (and have always) viewed them.
Related: How Psychotherapy can help you to change your life for the better.
2) You don’t know, what you don’t know
What makes Psychotherapy perfect for this, in my opinion, is this one idea; you don’t know what you don’t know.
The reason for this is by engaging with the therapy process, you become more accustomed to and familiar with…
What it is you don’t know.
In other words, you become more accustomed to and familiar with YOU and what exactly it is you are struggling with.
i.e your patterns, unhelpful coping strategies, underlying beliefs about relationships and life etc, which aren’t working for you.
As a result, uncovering, who you are at your core (before your family, culture, society etc. conditioned you into being a certain way).
And in this, you’ll find what it is you value in your life and the significance of your values in creating your desired destiny.
Not to mention, how life and other people work.
As a result, allowing you to successfully navigate your relationships (and ultimately your life) with more ease.
And can make a point of prioritising what you value in life so you never waste a day again doing something you don’t want to do.
3) Why institutions (like schools) and self-help books cannot change your destiny
In the personal development space, where what I’ve said above is common knowledge (i.e. your beliefs direct your life)…
I often hear comments like ‘I don’t understand why we’re not taught this at school’.
At the same time, however, when I’ve introduced something I’ve learnt in therapy to others who’ve not come across this knowledge before…
They’ll also dig more and more into personal development/self-help books.
But the truth is, you can’t learn this information in school or in self-help books/articles because everyone is different.
In other words, everyone has different experiences and therefore, different beliefs.
And all this information is hiding within each and every person’s own body and subconscious mind.
Plus the unspoken words between you, your family, friends, colleagues etc.
Since you (and they) don’t have the words to contextualise your experience(s) in the same way a therapist does.
Related: 4 reasons self-help books don’t work
4) Choices, choices, choices to change your destiny
To change your destiny and ultimately make life better, you must first be able to recognise the power lies within you and no-one else.
Which means recognising you have multiple life choices and decisions, available to you to make, in each moment of every day.
Nothing else.
And it’s these choices and decisions you make in these seemingly insignificant moments, which are going to change the outcome of your life and make life better.
This includes:
- who you keep and don’t keep in your life (a.k.a who you spend/don’t spend your time with)
- what you consistently choose (or not choose) to practice daily
- what to let go of and what to hold onto; and
- how to incorporate your values into all that you do
The only question is…
Are you so wrapped up in doing things the way you’ve always done them, that you’ve closed your mind off to doing anything differently in your life?
Including your relationships.
Believing they (and you) are as they are and you can’t change them.
Similarly to how I discuss in my post Transform your life by changing this one belief.
How therapy supports you in realising your choices so you can change your destiny?
If your answer to the above question is … ‘yes I am wrapped up in doing things the ways I’ve always done them’…
The good news is…
Therapy can support you.
As a Counselling Psychologist can support you in waking up to the choices available to you in each moment.
Instead of dismissing them by going with what (and how), you’ve always done them.
Although to caveat, your learning of this in therapy will not be as direct as I’ve explained it here.
Since I am only able to explain it in this way as a result of my personal experience of going through the therapy process and the beauty of hindsight/reflection through writing this blog post.
So please don’t expect it to be as obvious as this, to begin with, as it will require time for you to get to this point.
Related: All your questions about therapy answered (an ultimate guide)
5) Changing control and trust struggles in your relationships to change your destiny
The biggest causes of relationship breakdowns are…
The need for us to control others and our lack of trust in others due to our own insecurities.
If your someone who struggles with control and trust in your relationships…
(Hint: Explore your relationship with family members in therapy to know)
Then Psychotherapy with a Counselling Psychologist is perfect for you.
The reason being is that by engaging with the therapy process you are trusting in the unknown.
As I discuss in my post on the three strong fears you must ignore when considering therapy.
Therefore, supporting you in letting go of your control and trust struggles in your relationships.
As you put your trust and faith into the hands of someone else.
Managing your expectations of the therapy process to overcome trust and control struggles
As I have said many a times in many of my posts, but never hurts to repeat it…
therapy is not going to be a quick fix for your control and trust struggles.
Make absolutely no mistake about it.
It’s going to take years, so be prepared for it to take longer than one, two, three, four, five or even more years.
If you can do it in less time, amazing (great for anyone who is competitive and wants to challenge themselves to this).
But don’t expect any less than years for you to overcome your control and trust struggles with a Counselling Psychologist.
There is a reason why you have these struggles.
Namely, your past and your current day feelings, which are located within various parts of your body.
All of which, take time to uncover and requires a certain level of comfort and closeness with your therapist, to be able to disclose everything you’re thinking and feeling.
Especially when you’ve felt you’ve had to hide (for the majority of your life) your thoughts and feelings from yourself and others out of fear, shame and embarrassment.
Similarly to how I did and discuss in more detail in my post 3 ways Psychotherapy can support you.
And experiencing any kind of trauma can result in you:
- over-identifying with your thoughts
- engaging in fantasies; therefore, leading you to have…
- unrealistically high expectations about life, family relationships and love
Therefore, making it even more difficult for you.
(p.s. Your thoughts and memories are important as they give you access to the feelings in your body but, on the whole, are considerably less important than your feelings and emotions)
Related: Conquer your critical inner voice: How can I stop negative thoughts
The relationship between therapy, your beliefs and emotions
Therefore, effectively, this is what you’re training your mind to do in therapy with a Counselling Psychologist…
i.e. eventually move down into your body to feel the feeling so you can identify your beliefs, and thus, what you need in your life.
As this is where you uncover what it is you need, in your feelings and beliefs, which are located in your body.
Not in your mind, not with logic and most definitely, not with reasoning.
Therefore, also allowing you, to effectively communicate them to others so you can get what you need from others.
In a way that is open and honest, with no hidden agendas.
And as a result, once again, contributing to the broader picture of changing your relationships and thus, your destiny.
Closing remarks on why you need to engage with therapy to change your destiny.
Next steps…
If you’re feeling inspired to change your destiny by engaging with therapy…
In particular, Psychotherapy with a Counselling Psychologist, as a result of this post and are wondering what you can do next…
I recommend doing as I did:
- Book an appointment with your GP at your local GP centre (if based in the UK); and
- Ask them to provide you with a list of therapy practices in your area
Related: All your questions about therapy answered (an ultimate guide)
The benefit of asking your GP for a list
Although this kinda sounds like the lazy option, the benefit of this is it takes out all the ‘guesswork’ of which therapist is right for you.
So all you need to do is pick up the phone or send an email.
Of course, you can get therapy on the NHS but there is a long waiting list.
And if I’m honest, I don’t believe the benefits will be the same as seeking the support of a private Psychotherapist.
Cost of therapy
In saying that, I absolutely appreciate some people will not be able to afford a private therapist.
So if this is you, please do seek therapy on the NHS (or a cheap alternative) as a temporary solution…
UNTIL you find a way to afford the money you need to pay for a private therapist.
Bearing in mind, some practices take into account your individual circumstances so are willing to be flexible on the price.
Therefore, offering you a cheaper rate.
Approaching therapy
Once you have the list, select one and see how it goes for a few months.
And if the therapist you’re sitting in front of offers something different to what you’ve experienced before…
For instance, they make you:
- think and/or feel differently to how others have or currently do make you feel
- they offer tools, which make you feel good and happier about you and your life
- And they make you feel comfortable to disclose information you’ve perhaps not disclosed to anyone before
You know you’re with the right therapist for you.
And if not, contact another therapist on the list.
Related: All your questions about therapy answered (an ultimate guide)
Summary
To change your destiny, therefore, requires you to work hard on all your relationships (family, love and other relationships) as you do (or would do) on your working life.
Since what makes life worth living is the quality of your relationships.
However, to be able to do this, you need to stop thinking and take action.
As well as, be open to being awakened to what it is you don’t know about you and these relationships, along with, the choices you have available to you in each moment.
Therefore, why you want to engage in therapy Psychotherapy with a Counselling Psychologist to change your destiny.
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