Are you wondering why you’re so unhappy with life and how you can you be happy?
If so, this post is for you as I discuss 4 reasons why and how Psychotherapy can help you.
My personal experience of being unhappy with life
And, in a bid to find happiness, I thought what I needed was to add more people and hobbies into my life.
So I decided to seek out more people and new hobbies through trying new things like:
- Attending a new class
- Going to meetups
(Everything and anything you can find advice on to meet new people and new hobbies to take up).
But, then I did all those things and I struggled to meet new people or feel excited about the hobby.
Since the intention behind trying to meet new people and get a new hobby was to help me find happiness.
Therefore, my intentions weren’t pure because I was merely doing it to impress others rather than for the sake of doing it.
Or because I felt a strong yearning to do it.
So I felt there was something else I was over-looking, something else I was missing, which I just couldn’t see.
And it didn’t help comparing myself to others and their lives.
Questioning why I couldn’t seem to achieve the success they were.
Although, I felt I was trying so hard to.
3 years in Psychotherapy, however, I have discovered why I was unhappy.
So it is this I’ll be going through in today’s blog post.
So let’s get started.
1) Disconnected from your emotions
Disconnection from your emotions results in a disconnection from your body.
Connection to your emotions and body is crucial because your emotions are what make life better since they are the catalyst for helping you to connect with others in a meaningful way.
And they indicate to you what actions to take and what actions not to take in the moment.
The ‘in the moment’ bit being key here as this links to being present.
So disconnecting from your body and emotions doesn’t allow you to take the appropriate action your body is signalling.
Therefore, resulting in you struggling to connect with others as you don’t listen to yourself.
In addition, a lack of connection to your emotions and body results in you over-identifying with your thoughts.
Consequently, contributing to over-thinking in a bid to avoid what you’re feeling.
Hence, why a disconnection from your emotions and your body also results in you being unhappy with life.
If you resonate with the above, Childhood Emotional Neglect might be the reason why.
Hence, why you need to engage with Psychotherapy as healing from CEN isn’t a quick fix.
It takes years of Psychotherapy.
And in the process teaches you how to reconnect with your body so you can start making decisions which are right for you.
Therefore, boosting your confidence and happiness.
2) Lack of positive validation
Alongside emotional neglect, you may have also experienced a lack of positive validation of your thoughts and feelings in childhood.
As a result, not learning how to positively validate your own thoughts and feelings in adulthood, thus, preventing you from developing a healthy relationship with yourself, others and life.
And from learning how to fully love and accept yourself, others, and your emotions as they were.
Not wishing them to be any different.
This is important because a lack of positive validation results in being ashamed of, hiding and running away from emotions.
Rather than seeing them as an opportunity to have an open and honest discussion about them.
Or an opportunity to get curious about them and why they are arising so you can take action on what you need.
As a result, giving you a sense of relief as you find a solution to your struggles and therefore, a way to make life better.
When you’re thoughts and feelings aren’t positively validated, however, you will feel the need to keep your emotions to yourself to deny your thoughts and feelings, even to yourself, as you reject them rather than accept them.
Similarly to what I discuss in my blog post How to find your worth and why it matters.
Consequently, you also don’t reach out to others for understanding so you can change your perspective on a particular topic.
So, instead, you fantasise and make assumptions about what others are thinking or how great their lives are in comparison to yours.
A sign you were bought up in a home where your thoughts and feelings were not positively validated is:
You were shamed, criticised and/or blamed for the thoughts and feelings you had
You were told to stop behaving a certain way your parents disapproved of.
Instead of them seeking to understand the root causes to your actions (i.e. your thoughts and feelings).
So you could as I say discuss them openly and honestly.
Psychotherapy, however, gives you a second opportunity to have your thoughts and feelings (past and present) positively validated.
So you can feel the sense of relief you would have gained from sharing them with someone at the time of the difficult experience.
And you can learn how to positively validate your own thoughts and feelings in the future so you can think of ways to make life better on your own.
How exactly Psychotherapy does this can be found in my blog post 3 ways Psychotherapy can support you.
Therefore, allowing you to be completely yourself with no pretences.
And what’s interesting is you don’t realise how much you’re holding onto until you go through the therapy process.
Until you turn up week in week out for a year or longer to share the challenging situations occurring in your life currently.
And your therapist explains to you the significance of your thoughts and feelings.
3) You don’t follow through
Disconnection from your emotions and a lack of positive validation can also result in you not following through on the things, you say you want to do.
Therefore, leaving you feeling disappointed in yourself and your life.
The reason for this is when you say you want to do something and you don’t do it, you lose trust and faith in yourself.
As you break the commitment you’ve made to yourself.
Therefore, re-enforcing your belief ‘you’re not good enough’ or ‘there’s something wrong with you’.
And you hate yourself because you’re not acting from a place where you’re doing what you want to do.
You’re acting from a place of fear where you’re doing what you believe is expected of you.
For instance, get a good job, climb the career ladder, get married have kids etc etc etc.
Psychotherapy, however, can help you to identify what is holding you back from following through on the things you say you want to do.
And can give you the encouragement you need to find ways for you to start going after what you want.
As a result, increasing your happiness as you increase your confidence.
4) High expectations
Having high expectations of yourself, others, and your life, as you believe…
- your life ‘shouldn’t’ be the way it is
- you should be doing this, that or the other
- you are to have this, that and the other in your life
- you’re meant to be a certain way
- other people should be doing this, that and the other
…is another cause of your happiness as it prevents you from taking action to make your life better
This is a big one because having high expectations of yourself, others and life, steal’s your joy and your happiness.
It robs you from living the life you have and being grateful for it.
And, most importantly it robs you from the hear and now; the present moment.
Since you’re constantly on the lookout for what you can add to your life.
Why having high expectations results in struggle can be found in this article by Harley Street Clinic.
See, your life is made up of tiny moments.
Moments, which seem insignificant, but are filled with your decisions.
Decisions founded on what you’re going to do in this moment and the next moment and the next moment.
But, these moments aren’t moments you can plan for.
They happen unexpectedly in the moment so there’s no way you can plan for them.
And, it is these little moments, which lead on to make the big things in life like, friendships, marriage, buying a new home, success etc.
So if you’re not in the present moment and are constantly thinking about the past or the future and all you do want…
You could potentially miss out on a decision, which can drastically change the course of your life in this or the next moment.
Consequently, leaving you with a life you do not want.
The good news, however, is this is fixable.
You can lower your expectations so they are more realistic with the support of a Psychotherapist over the course of a year or so.
As they provide you with a different perspective, which allows you to understand how you, others and life work.
Not how you ‘think’ you, others or your life should be but the reality of how you, others and life are.
Therefore, allowing you to relax the reins on yourself and others so you can appreciate the little things in life.
Thus, increasing your confidence and happiness as you realise it’s not at all what you’ve been thinking.
5) You don’t know what your life’s purpose and mission is
Last, but by absolutely no means least, the reason you’re unhappy with life is that you don’t know what your life’s purpose is.
This is contributing to your unhappiness because as human beings we have a need to feel that our lives have a purpose and that they matter.
Therefore, by not knowing what your purpose and mission in life is, you feel lost like there’s no meaning to life.
Or more specifically, your life.
So, as motivational speaker Les Brown says, it’s important you make a point of trying to find out what your life’s work is and going and doing that.
If you resonate with the above (even a little) and are based in the UK, book an appointment with your GP at your local GP centre.
And ask your GP for a list of therapy practices in your area.
So you can learn how to be happier with your life and all you do have.
In summary, the reason you are unhappy with life is the combination of four factors.
A disconnection from your emotions, which prevents you from making the right choices for you in the moment.
A lack of positive validation in childhood, therefore, resulting in you dismissing your emotions.
Not following through on the things you say you want to do, therefore, leaving you disappointed with yourself.
And last but not least, high expectations (thinking and believing you, others and life are to be a certain way).
Psychotherapy, therefore, can help you to feel happy with life by supporting you in reconnecting to your emotions.
Providing you with a different perspective so you can have more realistic expectations of yourself, others and your life.
As well as, helping you to positively validate your emotions, knowing there is nothing wrong with feeling a particular way.