Are you looking to transform your life but just can’t seem to get enough traction to make it happen?
If so, today I’ll be talking about the one belief, which might be the reason why and the action you can take to overcome this belief.
Creating change in your life can feel damn right impossible can’t it?
But what I have found in my experience of seeing a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist is what makes change even more difficult is believing you can’t change.
In other words, believing you can’t change who you are and you can’t change the trajectory of your life.
But, as with most of our unchallenged beliefs, this isn’t true.
How to tell if you believe you can’t change?
If asked directly, ‘whether you believe you can change your life’? what would your answer be?
Many people might outright agree with this statement even though it isn’t necessarily true for them.
Therefore, to tell if you have this belief you need to look at whether you have one other belief (i.e. whether you believe ‘People don’t change’).
So, it’s this belief you need to change to be able to begin the process of transforming your life.
Since it’s a direct reflection of what you believe to be true about yourself.
So has serious consequences on your ability to change your life.
I’m not saying it’s the one and only belief you need to change to transform your life.
Since there are often many beliefs you need to change to reach new heights and transform your life.
But it is a contributing factor.
What is the impact on you then?
Believing ‘people don’t change’, in other words, ‘you don’t change’.
Ultimately, disempowers you.
It takes away your personal power to act (i.e. to say and do something to change your situation).
Therefore, making you feel helpless, hopeless and stuck.
So you resign yourself to believing any decision you make will make no difference to you and your life at all so you believe ‘your life will never change’.
Therefore, you give up easily on the changes you say you want to make in your life.
On the tools and practices, which you were so excited to start practising in the beginning.
However, we are all creative beings. There is no doubt about it, which means you are more than capable of transforming your life.
Your parents, your siblings, your friends, the number of people you have in your life. Nobody. Nada can do it for you.
So the only person stopping you from transforming your life is you, the only person you have to blame is you.
I know this because everything I write on this blog has been taken from my very own experience.
And this view of myself as being fixed and unchangeable is one part of a fuller story as to why I have struggled to transform my life.
Conditions for change
Now don’t get me wrong, I ain’t saying change is easy and I ain’t saying all people do change.
In fact, when someone has abused you (emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually) don’t believe them when they say they’ve changed.
The fact of the matter is they hurt you over and over again as they betrayed your trust.
And if they’ve really changed, they’ll be able to find other people in their lives to prove to they’ve changed.
The don’t need to prove it to you.
So move on and find people who are good for you since whether they’ve changed or not, the pain they’ve inflicted on you will remain present.
It’s not to say they can’t change and we need to give up on them.
But in the same way, we need years (up to 5 years if not more) of healing with a Psychotherapist to overcome these traumatic events, so will they.
However, what I’m saying is if people want to transform their lives they can.
All it starts with is a decision to take action.
To do something different to what they’ve done before.
Therefore, if you’re someone who wants to transform your life one action you can take today is:
Resolve to analyse your thoughts, feelings, behaviours and reactions with the support of a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist.
What is transformation and change?
Before we move onto what you’ll get from resolving the above with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist…
I want to break down what transformation and change really are as I do feel there is a misconception about it.
An inside job
When I used to think about transformation, I used to think about bringing a new material object or more people into my life.
As I believed that’s what was going to make me happy.
As I say in my blog post, Unhappy with life? 4 reasons why and how Psychotherapy can help.
Also, I was seeing others in my life chasing after and getting all these things, I wanted them too.
For instance, an impressive home, successful career, relationship, more money etc.
But I struggled to catch-up with them and I didn’t understand why or what I was doing wrong.
However, as I resolved to see a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist, overtime, I began to understand.
And realised, change is much more about changing from the inside out:
- what you believe
- how you think and feel about yourself, others and life itself; and
- your reactions towards life events
Similarly to what I discuss in my blog post How Psychotherapy can help you to change your life for the better.
And if you don’t change these, nothing will change in your life and you’ll never realise your true potential in this world.
- how you feel
- what you think; and
about yourself, others and life itself, is what will enable you to make different choices to the ones you have been making.
And it is these different choices, which will enable you to transform your life, to create changes in your external environment.
It might seem this kind of change isn’t as gratifying as seeing a change in your environment because the results aren’t immediate.
Like say a relationship, a home or car.
But in reality, this change is more powerful, substantial and lasting than seeing changes in your external environment.
Since these changes aren’t founded on impressing other people or competing with others.
But instead on unshakeable core confidence within yourself and your abilities, which no one can ever take away from you.
The role of tools and practices in transformation and change
To be able to make different decisions, however, you need to understand what decisions you are currently making.
(i.e. decisions you are making, which are preventing you from progressing your life).
For instance, blaming others or not taking responsibility for your actions (to name a couple).
So you need to be curious about your inner life and why you are reacting in certain ways.
As it is these realisations, which will give you an insight into what you’re believing and what is stopping you from transforming your life.
Therefore, it takes more than reading self-help books and articles.
As I talk about in my post 4 reasons why self-help books don’t work.
You need tools, such as, the ones I talk about in my blog post 3 tools and practices that transformed my life.
Sure, you can find courses to learn the tools and practices I discuss.
But, they are so much more powerful when learnt in the office of a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist as they can hold the space for difficult emotions and thoughts to come out in you.
And they can hold you accountable for practicing them away from sessions.
Also, it’s not the tools and practice alone, which make the difference, it’s the talking too.
It’s the student teacher relationship you build with your therapist, which makes the most difference.
As you feel comfortable asking them about anything and everything.
Seeing a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist
To change any belief you need to do the exact opposite of your belief.
So you need to find information, which is going to disprove it.
In this case, therefore, why I’m recommending to change the belief ‘people don’t change’, in other words, ‘you don’t change’ by seeing a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist.
And in doing so, overtime you’ll get your personal power back.
As you realise, it’s more about the actions you decide to take or not take, which are preventing you from transforming your life.
And it is this, which applies to everyone else in the world too.
So you don’t put down their success to ‘luck’ or some miracle. But a series of actions bringing them towards their specific goal.
Therefore, essentially, you dismantle two beliefs for the price of one.
How a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist does this is what I’ll be coming onto next.
I’ve spoken about the importance of support in some of my previous posts and how a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist provides you with this.
Read them here:
But I’m going to bring it up again in this post.
As I believe support, it is the single most important quality you need for transforming your life.
And this doesn’t mean only the support of other people.
It also means the support you give to yourself.
For instance, do you have your own back? Do you encourage yourself to go after the things you want? Do you give up easily? or do you find faults in yourself?
Faults, which tell you, you can’t do this and you can’t do that or you are this way and not that way.
Therefore, making you doubt whether something is possible for you or not.
In other words, do you have a critical inner voice?
Similarly to what I discuss in my blog post Conquer your critical inner voice: How do I stop negative thoughts?
If the answer is no by the sheer fact of being given support by your therapist you’ll learn how to give yourself support.
As they model all the qualities you’d want others to give you (i.e. understanding, compassion, patience).
Therefore, empowering you to believe in yourself.
To believe it’s possible to get what you want in life.
As they bring their own personal experience of implementing certain tools and practices into their own lives.
Therefore, inspiring you to give them a try.
Moving from fixed to growth mindset
Believing ‘people don’t change’, therefore, ‘you can’t change…
Falls into what Carol Dweck, in her book Mindset, calls a fixed mindset.
If you’ve not read it, to get the full context, you can buy it here but I’m going to summarise it here for you anyway.
In essence, Carol Dweck shares two perspectives, which people adopt when it comes to learning something new.
Either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.
In short, the fixed mindset says ‘I can’t learn’, ‘what I know now is all I’ll ever know’.
The growth mindset, on the other hand, says I will learn, all I need are the right strategies in place to learn what I need to learn.
The trouble with only reading this book is it can be hard for us to spot ourselves in the fixed mindset.
As a result, making it even more difficult moving into the growth mindset.
Therefore, it is here where a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist can make all the difference.
As they increase your self-awareness as you talk about:
- The events, situations, which took place in your life
- actions you took; and
- how they made you think and feel.
Therefore, allowing you to have more realisations around your thoughts, feelings and behaviours and how they are impacting your life.
So, yes read personal development books and articles like Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset…
But do them whilst seeing a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist so you can feel motivated to take action on what you’re learning.
Rather than letting it be one of those books you’ve read but did nothing else with.
The only way to realise the benefits I talk about above is to engage with Psychotherapy over a year or more.
Depending on what you’re dealing with.
If it’s healing from trauma as I said earlier it can take up to 5 years or more.
To take action on changing your belief ‘People don’t change’…
Book an appointment with your GP at your local GP Centre.
Once there, ask them to print you off a list of therapy practices in your area.
And seek out practices, which include Emotional Freedom Techniques and Matrix Reimprinting.
Alternatively, you can also search this database here.
Although, it looks like not many Psychotherapy practitioners are included on the latter.
And Psychotherapists who do include this, tend to have knowledge of a variety of other tools and techniques.
So you really get your money’s worth.
So there you have it.
One belief you need to change if you want to transform your life is ‘People don’t change’.
As this is a direct reflection of what you believe to be true about yourself (i.e. You can’t change).
And the way you do this is by taking action to disprove your belief by seeing a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist.
So you can understand what thoughts, feelings and beliefs are driving you to make certain decisions, which aren’t supporting you.
And can prove to yourself that you have the power to create transform your life.
Now I would love to know your thoughts.
What do you believe when it comes to transforming your life with a Psychotherapist? Let me know in the comments section below.
- How Psychotherapy can support you to relieve your stress
- 3 ways Psychotherapy can support you
- Conquer your critical inner voice: How do I stop negative thoughts?
- 3 tools and practices that transformed my life
- Why you need to engage with Psychotherapy
- Unhappy with life? 4 reasons why and how Psychotherapy can help