Are you wondering whether your sense of self-worth is high or low? And, how to find your ‘worth’ it is low?
If so, this blog post is for you so continue reading to find out more.
If you’re reading this post, I imagine it’s likely because of one of three options:
1) You’re becoming more self-aware in therapy and have considered whether the term low self-worth applies to you and if it does, how it does?
2) You’re not in therapy and have just stumbled across the term low self-worth and are wondering, how (and if), this term applies to you?
3) You’ve been through one or more life events, which have really knocked your confidence, and you now want to find your worth
If any of the above do resonate with you, firstly, that’s great, as that means you’re in the right place.
And secondly, I want to firstly reassure you that even if you have a low self-worth at this moment in time, it is NOT set in stone.
As it is dependent on your very own personal experiences in life up until this moment in time.
The great news about finding your self-worth
This is great news as it means your self-worth is flexible and malleable as you take action to gain new:
- Understanding; and
- Perspective around the situations which have/are taking place in your life currently
Specifically, by working with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist, which I’ll explain in more detail towards the end of my post.
In the meantime, however, let’s get going with:
- What self-worth means and what it means to have a high sense of self-worth
- The link between self-worth, self-esteem and self-belief
- How to tell you need to find your worth
- Examples of instances where a low self-worth might apply to you
- Reasons why you might not have a high sense of self-worth; and lastly
- The consequences of not seeking to actively find your worth
What is self-worth and what does it look like to have a high one?
A high sense of self-worth is the belief you are worthy of and have the right to have, and achieve, whatever it is you want in life.
Just like everybody else in the world has a right to have and achieve anything they want in their lives.
For instance, that can be:
- A great happy, healthy relationship with a partner whose kind, caring, understanding, patient, supportive etc.
- A career/job you love
- Your own business
- Amazing friendships, which make you feel good about yourself
- You name it
However, as I say in my post Is your life feeling off balance? Why you need to make yourself a priority and how to do it…
You have to first know, and be absolutely clear, on what it is you want, believe it is possible for you, and finally (the most crucial bit) be willing to claim it.
In other words, you mustn’t feel any shame or embarrassment towards what it is you want for you and your life.
So you can (for the most part) go after it fearlessly and without doubt that it is what you want, therefore, also avoiding the possibility of having past regrets too.
Why you need to find your worth to get what you want?
Since if you don’t, you’ll get swayed by the shiniest thing in town, and you’ll fall off track on getting what you want.
And you’ll be sitting there wondering how you got to where you are.
Exactly like you might already be doing at this moment in time.
Therefore, you must have a set of criteria by which you are assessing the people, places and experiences in your life by.
So you do not settle for anything less than what it is you want to experience in your life.
And yeah, you can go and create a list of criteria by which you judge the people, places and experiences in your life by.
But it will not work, unless you can really imagine and feel in your body the criteria you are assessing the people, places and experiences in your life by.
Which is difficult to do if you have built an emotional wall within so high that you don’t let so called ‘negative’ emotions rise and subside within you that they get stuck within your body.
And all you feel for the majority of the time are negative emotions.
What self-worth is NOT?
Self-worth, therefore, is not about you blaming the people in your life for not being able to have and achieve what you want.
And it most certainly is not about you blaming the fact you do not have what you want in your life on your past or on the circumstances of your life today.
Since as I say in my post Part 2: How to take on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life? Life choices….
In each and every moment, you have the opportunity to make a different decision to the one you did before, which is what will create a different outcome in your life.
And if you continue to blame the people, places and circumstances in your life, you relinquish your power over to them.
Therefore, keeping you unhappy and ‘stuck’ in your life.
There is no doubt about it.
And I know you do not want that.
So, what you need to do is realize the reason you haven’t got want you want in your, so life far, is because of YOU.
Your thinking, your feeling, your actions, your reactions and your beliefs.
And I know the truth is a hard pill to swallow, but you have to accept it to be able to move forward with your life.
And I know that sounds selfish, but you were brought into this world alone, and you will die alone.
So it can’t possibly be about anyone else but you.
The relationship between self-worth and self-esteem?
When talking about self-worth, however, you cannot ignore self-esteem either.
As the two are closely related.
Therefore, self-esteem is essentially what I mentioned above, that is, what you:
- Feel; and
(Which is evident in; what you say, how you act and how you react to the people, places and experiences in your life).
About yourself, others and life itself, as I discuss in my post How Psychotherapy can help you to change your life for the better.
Whether that’s when you’re on your own, through how you speak to yourself (i.e. what your inner voice says to you).
And/or, when you are with and around other people (family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, partners).
How to know you have a low self-esteem?
To know if you have a low self-esteem, answer the following questions:
Do you put yourself down (i.e. call yourself stupid or anything else) when you make a mistake?
Do you feel sorry for yourself (i.e. not good enough) when things don’t go your way?
As you take it personally, believing it means something about who you are, and you’re capability; or
Do you get embarrassed and ashamed easily by what you and others say?
If so, by working on finding your worth, which is essentially about changing and transforming the way you see yourself, you’ll also be working on improving your self-esteem.
Therefore, also seeing a boost in your confidence levels and hitting three birds with one stone.
Since, in order to have a high sense of self-worth and high confidence levels, you must also have a positive self-esteem (i.e. a positive view of yourself).
And is able to acknowledge your strengths and positive qualities, as well as, those of others.
As this is what leads to a happy life.
And positive, happy healthy relationships with yourself and others.
The relationship between self-worth and self-belief?
Lastly, the combination of a high self-worth and a high self-esteem, will inevitably lead to high self-belief.
In the same way, a low self-worth and a low self-esteem, would inevitably lead to a low self-belief.
Which means at a core cellular bodily, subconscious level, you either believe you are capable of achieving what it is you want for you and your life.
Or you do not.
And it doesn’t matter whether that’s in your relationships (family, friendships, romantic), in your career or any other area of your life.
Therefore, self-belief in essence is both…
- The beliefs you have about who you are, your life and the people, places and experiences in your life; and
- The action you decide to take based on the beliefs you have and what it is you want.
So, similarly to self-esteem, is linked to how you speak to yourself on a frequent basis (daily, weekly, monthly, yearly).
Example of Self-belief
An example of self-belief is…
Let’s say you want a career, which gives you the freedom to work from home.
Hence, your inner voice starts coming up with ideas for what you can do to fulfil that desire.
Or you begin looking up ideas on the internet on the options that are available to you.
You really only have one of two options:
- To act on one or more of the ideas you’ve thought of or looked appealing online; or
- To not act on any of the ideas you’ve thought of or looked appealing online, therefore, giving up on what you want.
And whatever choice you make is down to your inner voice and the beliefs you have about yourself and your capability in achieving it.
So, for instance, if your inner voice starts having fears, doubts and insecurities about how you’re actually going to make it happen.
Or how long it will take and whether you can do it. And you give in to those fears, doubts and insecurities…
You are less likely to act on your idea or any of the ideas you have thought of or found online.
Since you’ve already talked yourself out of it.
Experiencing fear, doubt and insecurity
Now it’s not to say, you’ll never experience fear, doubt and insecurity.
What matters most, however, when you do experience fear, doubt and insecurity is…
What you do say to yourself to overcome your fears, doubts and insecurities?
Because the truth is your fears, doubts and insecurities aren’t the truth or the reality of who you are.
They only become so because you are believing them to be so.
As I discuss in my post Transform your life by changing this one belief.
And, you’ve convinced yourself at a core cellular subconscious bodily level, they are the truth, so you give into them.
Therefore, also giving into trying to fulfil your hopes, dreams and desires as you don’t believe it’s possible for you to achieve them.
Whilst simultaneously believing it’s possible for everyone else.
How to know you have a low self-worth?
To really know, however, whether you have a low self-worth you cannot rely only on your intellectual understanding of what all three of these concepts mean.
You need to also pay attention to your reaction, as well as, the thoughts, beliefs, feelings and sensations, which arise in your body when you hear these terms.
For instance, if someone was to say to you:
You have a low self-worth, or a low self-esteem, or a lack of self-believe, what would your reaction be?
Would you get defensive, trying to quickly prove to them (and yourself) that none of these terms apply to you?
Because if that is true for you, you best believe you do have a low self-worth, and you do need to take action on finding it.
How to tell you need to find your worth?
If you still don’t believe you need to find your worth, I’ve listed a few examples below to support you further.
Example one you need to find your worth
Someone keeps hurting and disrespecting your thoughts, feelings, wants, needs and desires.
Therefore, making you feel worse about yourself than you already do.
But you keep choosing to stay, to keep them in your life.
- They give you an ego boost when you’re around them; or
- You feel guilty not speaking to them; or maybe
- You’ve convinced yourself they’re not ‘always’ hurting and disrespecting you
And instead of speaking up, you say nothing.
Acting like you’re not bothered by their actions.
But deep down they are really hurting you.
Example two you need to find your worth
Linked to the above…
You hold and cling onto the people, places and experiences in your life, which do not make you happy.
Nor do they support you in moving closer to achieving what it is you do want in your life.
For instance, you hold onto a career or a job you do not like because the pay is good, and you feel a sense of safety and security from it.
Or as I said above…
You remain in an unhappy relationship because you don’t believe you’ll find someone better, or you don’t want the hassle of looking for another partner.
Therefore, continuing to reinforce your already existing negative feelings about yourself.
Example three you need to find your worth
You make fun of other people when you are in a group setting.
For instance, through shaming, humiliating and laughing at them when you feel they have done something to hurt you.
Therefore, engaging in bullying behaviours, in order to, make yourself feel better about you.
As you also believe this IMPRESSES the people around you, therefore, further giving you an ego boost.
As you’ve taken their ‘hurting’ you, personally, as though it means something about you.
Therefore, on a subconscious level, reinforcing your already existing feelings of not being good enough and being unlovable.
And yes, I’m looking at both men and women when I say this because both genders do this.
Example four you need to find your worth
You like to feel sorry for yourself (i.e. moaning and complaining about how you can’t get what you want because of this, that and the other).
And so you also like other people to feel sorry for you, because you believe you don’t know how else to get what you want.
And, you’ve learnt this is the only way to get what you want.
As a result, you make other people feel guilty as you blame them, the places and experiences in your life for why you are incapable of achieving what it is you want.
Instead of taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions.
And the role they are playing in any one situation in your life.
- Part 1: How to take on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life?
- Part 2: How to take on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life? Life choices
Example five you need to find your worth
You struggle to hear the truth, not wanting to believe it, when the people around you try to offer it to you.
Therefore, dismissing their truth in order to reaffirm what you are already believing about yourself, them and the situation.
Reasons you might suffer with low self-worth so need to find your worth
As I said at the beginning of my post, your sense of self-worth is determined by the experiences you have experienced in your life up until this point in time.
Therefore, one of the reasons you might suffer with a low sense of self-worth is whether you have experienced any form of bullying growing up.
In particular, at home, whether this was directed towards you or family members.
And how this was handled by your parents (i.e. did they stick up for themselves or yourself, or did they say nothing and let it slide).
As this likely will have impacted the self-limiting beliefs you have formed.
And so are wedged in your subconscious mind.
Therefore, requiring you to obtain extra support to be able to change them.
In addition, if your parents were constantly critical and judgemental of your behaviour, therefore, passing on a critical inner voice to you.
You also are more likely to have a lower self-worth.
And finally, and perhaps the most important one, whether you had an appropriate father figure or male role model in your life.
Whom you could look up to, to impart wisdom, advice and guidance to you about life and relationships.
And considering in the UK, 90% of single parents are women according to the leading national charity Gingerbread….
I’d say that’s a lot of people who sense of self-worth isn’t as high as it could be.
Hence, why working with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist is so crucial for reversing the effects of your childhood struggles.
And they are not swept under the carpet as though they do not matter.
As the more you do this, the more still you’ll feel you are standing, while everyone else around you is moving their life forward.
The consequence of having a low self-worth, not knowing your worth and not seeking to find your worth
The consequence of having a low self-worth, not knowing your worth and not seeking to find your worth is essentially…
You will continue you to be unhappy and dissatisfied with your life.
As you will keep attracting the same kinds of people, places and experiences into your life, which you do not want.
Specifically, people, places and experiences who also have a feeling of low self-worth, low self-esteem and low self-belief.
As they too, are likely emitting the same low energy, low vibrating thoughts, feelings and beliefs as you are.
Hence, why you’re drawn to them.
Since as I say in my post Ever been bullied? 4 reasons why Therapy is important, like attracts like.
And our subconscious mind likes familiarity, safety and security.
So to change what your subconscious mind finds familiar, safe and secure you need to be shown something different.
What all of the above means about finding your self-worth
What this all means for you, therefore, is…
To attract people in your life with a higher sense of self-worth and who will make you happy, you need to work on finding your own worth first.
Because at the minute, whether you can see it for yourself or not, you are waiting and relying on people outside of you to build you up.
To make you feel better about you.
But what you actually need to be doing is…
Doing it for yourself.
Because the danger of continuing to do this is you might find (if you haven’t already knock on wood), yourself in an abusive and controlling relationship.
And I know nobody wants this.
How to find your worth working with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist?
The purpose of working with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist to find your worth is ultimately…
To change the way you think, the way you feel and what it is you are believing at a core subconscious level.
So you can also change the way you are acting and reacting to the people, places and experiences within your life.
As you obtain a different perspective and new knowledge on what it is you are thinking, feeling and believing…
Regarding the people, places and experiences in your life.
As a result, positively FEEDING your mind, body and soul.
So you can GROW mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and eventually can see exactly what is/has been holding you back in your life.
Therefore, also enabling you to learn how to make better choices and decisions to the ones you have been making.
Not choices and decisions, which were decided for you since birth.
As it’s exactly this, which is what is going to change your life for the better.
Since, contrary to what you might think…
You do not have to be doomed with a low self-worth, self-esteem or a lack of self-belief for the rest of your life.
However, to not be doomed with it for the rest of your life…
You must take action TODAY through seeking to work with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist for up to 5 consecutive years.
So, the sooner you can take responsibility by being really honest with yourself as to how this applies to you.
The sooner you’ll be able to find your worth and can start working towards changing your life as Lisa Nichols says in this Youtube video:
‘One needle point at a time’
Caveat ~ The length of time you need to put in to find your worth
If you’re like most people, myself included, seeing above that you will need to put in up to 5 consecutive years with a Counselling Psychologist will have stopped you in your tracks.
But, and please do bear with me here, I heard a great piece of advice in a Law of Attraction Coaching Youtube video, which said:
‘If you were to read a book for an hour a week for five years you would become the expert in that subject area’
And actually, by the third year you’ll stop asking how long do you have and instead you’ll start asking how far can you go.
Now I know therapy is not the same as reading.
However, it still applies.
But the only difference is, you are reading and reviewing you.
What you’re thinking, what you’re feeling and how you’re acting and reacting, in relation to the situations, people and places within your life.
How to find your worth by working with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist?
So, how exactly will you find your worth by working with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist?
1) Showing you how to honour and respect who you are
How does it do this?
By giving you a space to talk and reflect on:
- Your very own personal life struggles (past and present); and
- Your likes, dislikes, want, need and desire for your life
Therefore, as your therapist learns about you, so are you learning about you.
And overtime, the more they get to know you, the more they are able to reflect back to you who you truly are at your core.
So when they see you are moving out of alignment with who you are at your core and what you say you want they can bring you back.
So eventually and overtime, you learn to do this for yourself.
Two reasons why honouring WHO YOUR ARE, is important for uncovering your worth?
The importance of honouring you when looking to uncover your worth ~ Reason #1
In this day in age, with so much advice and guidance swinging from left to right, listening to ourselves can be a real struggle.
So we can easily become swept up in wanting to do what others are doing, when what they’re doing might not be right for us.
And essentially does not honour what our inner voice and very own personal circumstances and situations tell us about us and the direction our life is supposed to go in.
So you end up doing what others are doing not realizing their circumstances and background are entirely different to yours.
And competing for something you don’t actually want deep down, but might be competing for, just to fit in with everyone else.
For instance, for so long I worked in an office trying so hard to fit and squeeze myself into this ‘ideal’ of what it was like to work in an office environment.
But, after a lot of pain, sweat and tears, eventually I couldn’t take it any more and I left.
Why did I continue working in an environment I hated?
Because I blamed myself for not fitting into the environment and the culture. As though, there was ‘something wrong with me’ for not fitting in.
Instead of realizing everyone is born with a unique set of skills, strengths and talents and working in an office was just not one of mine.
The importance of honouring you when looking to uncover your worth ~ Reason #2
And this probably goes without saying, is it supports you in accepting and loving yourself for who you are as you are in this very moment in time.
Not who you want to be in some near distant future, but who you are today.
Since it is only from here you can increase your happiness, improve your self-esteem and self-belief.
And thus, your self-worth.
2) Feeding your mind with positive affirmation
When thinking about positive affirmations you might think of mantras, statements and phrases, which begin with ‘I AM’.
However, positive affirmation is really another way of saying praise, love and attention.
Because often when you have a low self-worth, it’s because your self-esteem (i.e. inner voice fails to give you all of these).
That is, you lack the positive praise of yourself, you lack self-love, and you neglect to give your needs, wants, and desires attention, just as you might lack vitamins.
Except taking a supplement or medication, isn’t going to fix the problem. It’ll only provide a temporary solution.
So you have to dig much deeper into your mind, body and soul.
And you need someone to support you in retraining your mind, body and soul to view yourself, your life, others and the world differently.
Through showing and modelling to you how to start giving yourself all of these to avoid getting into abusive relationships as I said earlier.
As you rely on others to do this for you.
As well as, providing you with tools to practice away from sessions too.
- Learn how to start putting yourself first
- How Psychotherapy can help you to change your life for the better
3) Holding you accountable
Lastly, and this is probably the most crucial one, holding you accountable.
In other words, holding you accountable for:
- Taking responsibility for your life
- Meditating; and
- Taking action on any other advice and guidance they give you
As a result, supporting you in increasing your worth, so you can create the life you want.
Over to you
I want to know…
How and where in your life…
Are you trying to fit and squeeze certain people, places, situations and experiences in your life, which do not conform to who you are?
And if so, will you see the support of a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist.
Let me know in the comments section below, right at the end of this post.
So there you go, to uncover your worth you must explore in-depth your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions and reactions with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist.
As a lack of self-worth is often rooted in early childhood experiences, such as, being bullied and a lack of a father figure who you could turn to for advice and guidance.
Therefore, resulting in self-limiting beliefs, which take a long time to uncover and resolve.
And can result in being unhappy with life and the entering of abusive relationships.
- Is your life feeling off balance? Why you need to make yourself a priority and how to do it
- How Psychotherapy can help you to change your life for the better
- 10 steps to success without sacrificing your happiness
- Learn how to start putting yourself first
- Unhappy with life? 4 reasons why and how Psychotherapy can help
- 4 Mind-Blowing Tools that will Change your World and Help you to Overcome Past Regrets