Are you unhappy with your life? Do you take on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life? Or are you seeing where life takes you and what life will bring you?
If the answer is no to any of these questions or you’re not sure, you’ll want to read this post in full as I go through what it means and how to do it with the support of a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist.
In previous posts, I’ve spoken about how a Counselling Psychotherapist can support you in:
But part of the therapy process isn’t only about what your therapist does.
It’s also about what you do.
And the steps you take to ensure you make the most out of your therapy sessions, which includes taking on responsibility.
To begin with, you might not be able to take on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life.
Therefore, needing to lean on your therapist a bit more.
But it doesn’t mean you’ll never be able to.
Hence, why it has the name ‘therapy process’ because it takes time for you to be able to make certain changes in order for you to be able to make life better.
And that’s okay because as I say that’s all part of the process.
However, I wanted to write this post to support you in getting a head start in the therapy process.
As well as, to support you in noticing when your not taking on responsibility.
As a result, allowing you to take a pause and a step back to reassess your thought process.
So without further ado, let’s get started.
What it means to take on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life
In short, one part (the next part will be revealed next week) of what it means to take on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life is…
Knowing what you are truly thinking, which leads to what you’re truly believing and how the thoughts you are thinking truly make you feel.
On a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month, year by year basis.
In addition to, being really honest with yourself about the actions you are not taking to fulfil your desires (aka what you want) and why.
Since it is your thoughts, feelings and beliefs, which are resulting in your lack of inaction towards working towards your dreams and desires.
And therefore, your lack of fulfilment in life.
Engaging with your subconscious mind
This, therefore means, you need to not only engage and explore what’s going on in your conscious mind.
But you also need to engage and explore what’s going on in your subconscious mind.
Since working with your subconscious mind allows what’s currently in your unconscious awareness to surface into your conscious awareness.
And it’s this awareness of what you’re subconsciously thinking, which allows you to work with it and ultimately transform it so it is no longer limiting you.
However, to get there, you first need to work with the thoughts and feelings on a conscious level.
Then, only once you work with these, will you be able to get access to the thoughts and feelings in your subconscious.
Fact about the subconscious mind and why you need to work with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist
Hence, why working with a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist is incredibly beneficial and worth every penny of your time and money.
As week in week out (for a period of one or more years), you work with them to explore the situations you are unhappy with in your life.
It could be one area of your life or all areas of your life, it really doesn’t matter.
Since you only need one area (no matter how big or small you think it is) to work with.
And in choosing to do so, you choose to understand what it is you are not doing in your life and what it is you need to do in your life so you can feel fulfilled and happy.
You’ll not always link the actions you take, as you take the actions, whilst working with a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist.
However, you’ll make the link as your life unfolds with the support of a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist overtime.
You just need to do the work, and somehow a year later or so, you’ll find you’re in a somewhat different position to the one you were the previous year or two years before that.
However, if you find that doesn’t happen, you may find you’re still not ‘taking responsibility’ in one or more areas of your life.
And it’s this, which is holding you back.
What it takes to take on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life: Honesty
What you may have noticed above is the highlighted words ‘truly’ and ‘really honest’.
The reason for this is, and you may have guessed it, is these words are the key to you taking on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life.
The struggle with honesty and your ability to take on responsibility
There are two forms of honesty.
One is honesty with yourself and two is honesty with others.
The former, imperative for the latter, which you would think would be easy to do right?
Because not all of us learnt to be honest with ourselves.
Not all of us learnt, being honest with ourselves and the people around us was safe to do so because perhaps we were:
- Ridiculed when we were honest; or
- laughed at; or
- Shamed; or
- Criticized; or
- Put down; or
- Told off for doing something
As I discuss more in my post on 3 ways Psychotherapy can support you.
Therefore, learning to fear our honesty with ourselves (and others).
Believing it says something about who we are as people and whether we are good people or not.
So instead, we learn to hide and conceal our vulnerabilities, fears, doubts and insecurities from others, believing these make us ‘less than’.
And in doing so, we bury so deep within our bodies and minds who we really are as people that we become unrecognizable to ourselves and others.
And get to a point in our lives where we wonder, how we got to where we are?
All the while, not realising our vulnerabilities, fears, doubts and insecurities are what:
- Make us who we are as people; and
- Truly make us the good people we are deep down
Therefore, are imperative for a successful life and successful relationships.
As it’s the acknowledgement of these that supports us in tackling them head on.
However, if we avoid them, we allow them to grow bigger and bigger to the point where they get out of proportion.
As I’ll show you next.
The opposite of what it means to take on responsibility: Lying to yourself and others
The reality of lying to yourself (and others), however, about what you truly think and feel over a long period of time, is the thoughts and feelings don’t move.
They remain there underneath the surface.
Prodding you, waiting for you to wake up and pay attention to them and what they are telling you about what you want out of life.
And until you do, it makes your thoughts and feelings become more and more alive and even more present within your life.
Since the more you ignore them, pretending they don’t exist, the stronger they become.
So eventually they catch-up with you and not for the better.
As the stronger they become, the more you attract the wrong people and experiences into your life.
And eventually, they’ll present to you an event in your life, which will force you to face up to the reality of your true thoughts and feelings.
So you can finally face what been stopping you from changing your destiny.
But you don’t have to wait for an event to show up in your life to force you to change the outcome of your life.
You can choose to see a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist to support in understanding why you find it so difficult being open, honest and vulnerable with yourself and those around you.
So eventually you can overcome it, as you begin to be open, honest and vulnerable with your therapist.
Therefore, giving you the confidence overtime to follow this through in your private life too.
Personal example of avoiding taking on responsibility and lying to myself
As with many cultures, in my culture, it’s not uncommon for your parents to want you to date/marry someone who is within the same culture as you.
Therefore, one day when I was attracted to someone who didn’t fit the culture I was in…
I decided the safest (and most-easiest option) was to deny my thoughts and feelings for this person.
As I was deeply afraid of what the consequence of dating someone not from my own culture would be.
So, I decided to ignore, deny and pretend what I truly thought, felt and believed about this specific person, that it eat me alive.
But every time I tried to hide it from myself, I couldn’t. It just kept nagging me and nagging me and nagging me.
Telling me to act.
That eventually the one person outside of me I couldn’t hide it from… was him.
Buut…when I finally came to tell him…
I exploded on him.
As the pressure of bottling and holding onto my feelings alongside my insecurities was just too much for me to take any more.
So you could say I ruined the moment and really struggled to be honest and vulnerable with him going forward.
Why I wanted to share my personal experience
The reason I wanted to share that specific experience is I know there are many people in other cultures who have had to do the same as me.
Who have had to deny and pretend their feelings for someone from another culture for fear of what their family might say.
And whilst, to begin with, it seems like the easy option, in the long run it’s the most difficult and most painful decision you ever make.
Romeo and Juliet can testify to that.
Although itself not a true story, is representative of the turmoil between different cultures.
Whether, in regard to, love or war.
Therefore, to anyone reading this who does identify with my experience know this…
You can be with whomever you want to be with regardless of what culture, age or gender they are.
But to do so, you must first work through your fears around your family with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist.
And again, you don’t have to wait to fall for someone who’s not within your culture to find out if this is something you need to work on.
Whether your family mixes with their same culture only and only talks about their culture, is all the sign you need really.
And what you’ll find when you do this is a freeing of your mind and body.
As you no longer restrict yourself to meeting a romantic partner in one particular way or from one particular culture etc.
Why work with a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist?
The reason for this is until you work through your fears around your family (i.e. what they think, feel, believe, want and need for you)…
You’ll continue to be locked in by yours (and their) limited thoughts and opinions.
Therefore, you’ll never be able to change the outcome of your life.
Because the reality is…
You’ll always make what once were their limited thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs (now yours)…
More important than your true, deep down thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs.
When the true reality is nobody’s true deep down thoughts, feelings and beliefs are more important than yours.
You are the one who has to live your life day in day out.
The one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions NOT them.
- LEARN HOW TO START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST
- WHY A CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE IS YOUR KEY TO FREEDOM (AND HOW TO GET IT)
Working through your honesty struggles without support
Reading the above, it’s tempting to say, I don’t need to work with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist, I can do this on my own.
But the truth is unfortunately becoming really honest with yourself and others, isn’t an easy fix.
And it isn’t something, which works out all by itself.
Trust me, you cannot do this on your own, you need professional support, I know. I have been through it.
Before, working with a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist, I didn’t realize I had a struggle with honesty with myself or otherwise.
Since I did it for so long it became ‘normal’ to me.
So, I couldn’t see there was anything wrong with it.
Hence, why I needed to work with a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist.
As they could provide me with a different perspective to the one I had grown up with.
(Not that I was able to acknowledge that at the time of making the decision to see a therapist, as it was the distress that I was in that lead me to one)
And, overtime with hard work, determination, patience and perseverance and the support of my therapist…
I have been awakened to my struggle with it and am in the process of overcoming it.
By meditating daily on the feelings present in my body and as a result, the thoughts and beliefs behind the feelings.
For instance, I meditate 3x times a day:
- 30 minutes in the morning
- 30 minutes -3 hours of meditation in the afternoon (depending on the time I have available to me); and
- 30 minutes-3 hours before I go to sleep – (also depending on the time I have available to me)
But one thing, which doesn’t change is my priority to meditate.
Regardless of whether it’s 30 minutes, an hour or more.
Working through your fear of your family to take on responsibility for the outcome of your life
On the flip side, however, you might then say, I’m not afraid of my family, I do what I want.
But the truth is, if your family scared and I mean really frightened you, at any age…
It’s not unlikely you are still afraid of them today, whether they live with you or not.
And that fear is locked in your body and subconscious mind.
Until, that is, you make the decision to work through your fears around your family with a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist.
There is no way around it.
And, if you do not then they will continue to control your life, haunt you and prevent you from changing the outcome of your life.
Therefore, you must be intentional about it, which is why working with a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist is necessary.
If you are desperate to change the outcome of your life, then you might be struggling with the above too (like I was and still am).
So, join me on this journey.
Go find a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist to work with and you will not be disappointed I promise.
If you’re based in the UK and want to know how I found a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist to work with, scroll down to the bottom of my post on Why you need to engage with therapy to change your destiny.
So, don’t wait any longer and go find a Counselling Psychotherapist/Psychologist to work with.
If I can do this, and I am no stronger or weaker than you, SO CAN YOU.
There you have it, what it means to take on responsibility for changing the outcome of your life, how to do it and specifically how a Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist can support you.
So if you’re unhappy with any aspect of your life, you know what you need to do.