Clicking on this post, means you too think ‘self-help books don’t work’ and you’re wondering why so you can make them work for you in order to make life better.
So today I’ll be talking about four reasons why they don’t work for you and what to do instead.
It’s only natural to turn to self-help books for support in finding a way to make life better when your feeling dissatisfied with any aspect of your life.
However, depending on the perspective you are engaging with self-help books from, you might find self-help books don’t work.
Therefore, feeling nothing will be able to support you with what you specifically are struggling with.
But, I’m here to say, if you resonate with the above, don’t give up as you’ll see shortly, there is a solution.
To warn you, the solution might be something your mind will be immediately opposed to.
However, to know if something will work for you or not, you need to give it a try.
So, without further ado let’s get going.
Table of Contents
1. You believe there’s something missing in you
This is the first reason self-help books don’t work because…
…by believing this, you likely also believe these books will support you in fixing what you believe you’re missing.
However, the truth is, self-help books don’t work because they can’t fix something in you, you believe you’re missing.
This is because, as I discuss in my blog post, How to find your worth and why it matters, nothing is missing in you.
So if there’s nothing missing in you, it can’t need fixing.
Therefore, leading to the conclusion there’s more to what you’re struggling with.
So a little further digging is needed.
2. You BELIEVE self-books don’t work
Secondly, engaging with self-help books from the perspective they will fix something missing in you, only to find they can’t support you…
…will inevitably lead you to believe self-help books don’t work.
Therefore, feeling further dissatisfied as you believe there is no way you can make life better.
However, self-help books can’t be engaged with from the perspective they don’t work because doing so, only closes your mind to the wisdom these books present.
This matters because as I’ve already mentioned the purpose of self-help books isn’t to fix anything in you, you believe is missing.
The purpose of self-help books is instead, to learn from the personal journey’s of others so you can test out there learnings.
Not because you want to fix something in you that’s missing, but because you’re curious to know what else they can add to your life to enrich it.
3. They can’t support you with how you feel
How you feel is an incredibly important piece to the puzzle of self-help books not working, as they stop you from taking action on the advice given to you to make life better.
The reason being, how we feel determines the behaviours we engage in.
Therefore, ultimately impacting the results we get in our lives.
Self-help books, of course, can’t support us with changing how we feel since they can’t listen to what we’re thinking and feeling.
Therefore, they can’t provide us with the understanding we need to overcome our more challenging thoughts and feelings.
Instead, they start from the experiences, thoughts and feelings of the author themselves.
4. You’re a trauma survivor
If you have experienced trauma…
a ‘stressful, frightening or distressing event’
….and never got support for it, self-help books don’t work period.
For instance, a traumatic event can include:
- bullying
- abandonment from one or more parents
- Emotional neglect
This is because when you experience trauma, to move on from it you need to process the emotions.
And to be able to process the emotions so you can move on, you need support, you need to talk about the trauma.
Talking about the trauma includes:
- Talking about your thoughts on the topic(s);
- The memories you have;
- and how they make you feel
In doing so, giving you the chance to understand your thoughts and feelings.
Coming from someone who struggles with vulnerability, it’s not easy I know, but as Robert Frost said ‘the only way out is through’.
What to do instead?
Ultimately, when you feel self-help books don’t work, there is only one other option.
Seeking the support of a Psychotherapist by visiting your GP (if based in the UK) and asking for a list of therapy practices in your area.
Personally, I am a survivor of childhood emotional neglect and the witnessing of domestic violence.
However, I didn’t choose to see a Psychotherapist until I was in my mid-twenties.
When I started seeing a Psychotherapist, it was then I realised, what I was missing all along was support.
Someone who I felt had my back rather than was against me.
Once I was seeing a Psychotherapist for a while, I was able to increase my confidence, which changed my perspective on self-help.
Therefore, inspiring me to also acknowledge and appreciate my own personal story and journey.
Self-help, as a result, became an extension to my Psychotherapy sessions, not a replacement.
The importance of self-help
Psychotherapy and self-help are important to our lives because if we’re not learning, we’re not growing and if we’re not growing, we’re not happy.
And I don’t mean any kind of learning.
I mean learning about ourselves, our past challenging experiences and our thoughts and feelings in relation to those challenges.
So if we don’t believe self-help works and give up on it we’ll not be able to fulfil our innate need to learn and grow.
As a result, contributing to our overall happiness and excitement for life.
Self-help books to complement the solution
If you’re not in therapy but decide to at some point or you’re in therapy and want books to complement your sessions…
…here’s 5 self-help, or as I prefer to call them personal development books to support you in your therapeutic journey:
- The Universe has your back by Gabrielle Bernstein
- The Artists Way by Julian Cameron
- Stillness speaks by Eckhart Tolle
- Start where you are by Pema Chodron
- You Are the Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter by Dr Joe Dispenza
Summary
In summary, self-help books don’t work because of your two beliefs ‘there is something missing in you’ and ‘self-help doesn’t work’.
In addition, they can’t support you with changing how you feel or if you’ve experienced trauma since you need to process the emotions attached to the trauma.
Therefore, the only solution is to invest in a Psychotherapist by asking your GP (if based in the UK) for a list of practices in your area.
Once you do this, you’ll also gain confidence in yourself, which self-help books could never give you.
As a result, you’ll start seeing self-help books from the perspective of having something to learn from them rather than helping to find something you believe is missing in you.
Consequently, increasing your happiness and excitement for life as they support your need for learning and growth.
You have great insight. Sometimes the pain and trauma one feels is so deep, a book isn’t going to be the miracle solution. As a younger adult, I loved self-help books but knew quite a few people who just didn’t get much from them. You’re right, books are not for everyone and you have to find your own healing path. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for your encouraging comment and sharing your own personal experience.
Great read! I’ve always felt this way but didn’t have the greatest reasoning to back it up. Awesome insights, especially when it comes to trauma.
Thank you, I really appreciate your comment.
I always wondered why self- help books never helped, moreover it was to the extent that I despised them for preaching stuff that is not the same for everyone. But now I understand why? It was the trauma, the deep setting pain that never gave space for anything that could dimnish them. This post was so helpful, made sense about all the way I acted. Keep writing, keep creating
Thank you. I really appreciate your comment and I’m glad you found it helpful.
I haven’t actually tried any self help books but I definitely think if you have had some past trauma that you reach out for some help rather than relying on a self help book. Thank you for sharing.
Lauren | http://www.bournemouthgirl.com
Thank you for your comment. Yes, ideally if someone has experienced a trauma they’d reach out for help rather than a self-help book. However, for many it’s much easier to pick up a book than it is to seek professional support and talk about their emotions, especially when they’re not used to talking about how they feel.